The Swartz Method
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Foreword
We wrote this book because we want one thing: to give men the courage to finally talk about their cuckold desire, and to show them how to do it without putting their relationship at risk.
Over the years, a great many men have written to us. Some told us that after years of silence, they talked honestly with their wife about sex for the first time, and that this alone changed their relationship. Some of them are happy cuckolds today. Others realized that their wife doesn’t want to go down this path with them, and they still gained something: more closeness, more openness, a more honest sex life.
From all these conversations, we know which questions really keep men up at night. What exactly do I say, word for word? What do I do if she says no? How do we protect our health? What happens after the first time, when emotions are on a roller coaster? How do I recognize a good bull? And how do I actually understand myself before I start explaining myself to my wife? You’ll find answers to all of this in this book: with our stories, the levels C1 to C3, psychological tools, five ways to start a conversation, five variations, sample conversations, checklists and templates. And with chapters you’ll hardly find in any other cuckold guide: when you’d better hold off (for now), how to truly take her concerns seriously, what she herself can get out of it, and how to try new things without committing right away.
What matters most to us
When a man has this fetish and it finds no place in his relationship, he often genuinely suffers. Some men really do lose desire, no longer feel quite like themselves in bed, feel dissatisfied. That’s not a trick, it’s real, and it deserves to be said out loud. What matters is how you say it: as an honest confession that lets your wife come closer to you, or as leverage that backs her into a corner. A yes that comes from guilt or pressure doesn’t last. It collapses, often at exactly the moment things get serious. We’ve devoted an entire chapter to this difference: “When something is missing for you.”
How to read this book
You can read it from front to back, and that’s what I recommend the first time. The order of the chapters follows the path most couples take: first you understand yourself, then you prepare for the conversation, then you have it, then you take the first steps together. Later, you’ll come back to individual chapters when you need them, for example when she has said no or when the first meeting with a bull is coming up.
Along the way, Theo and Michael chime in again and again in their own boxes. Theo speaks from the perspective of the cuckold who needed six years and got almost everything wrong that you can possibly get wrong. Michael speaks as the bull and shares what he has observed in many couples. And I write as a hotwife, as a psychologist by training and as a sex researcher.
Research and experience
One more word about what our advice is based on. Some things in this book are well supported by research, such as how talking about sex affects couples’ satisfaction, or why pressure creates resistance. Other things are based on our own experience and on what many couples have told us. We make it clear which is which. Where it says “Research shows …,” you’ll find the source in the appendix. Where it says “Our experience is …,” we’re speaking from life. Both are valuable, but they’re not the same, and you should always know what you’re relying on at any given moment.
And so there are no misunderstandings: this book is a guide, not therapy. I offer neither therapy nor treatment. Where you need support from professionals, we’ll tell you where to find it.
I have one more request: don’t read this book as a manual for how to “talk a woman into it.” Read it as a manual for how to talk about your deepest desires in a way that the woman you love can understand them. Whether she then goes along with it is her decision. But the chance that she will is many times greater if she feels safe, respected and taken seriously. That’s not just my experience as a hotwife. It’s also what research on successful conversations in relationships shows again and again.
Lots of courage and lots of joy on your journey,
Judith
About us
We’d like to briefly introduce ourselves and tell you how this book came to be.
What is cuckolding?
Traditionally, a cuckold is a “horned husband,” the old image of a man whose wife is unfaithful. Cuckolding is a fetish that is lived out within a committed relationship.
Cuckold is the term for a man who watches his partner have sex with other men, or knows about it. This gives him sexual pleasure. The “cheating” is agreed upon and doesn’t happen in secret. The man stays faithful to his partner. A cuckold’s wife is called a hotwife or a “mare,” while her lover is the bull.
The word itself is old. It comes from the cuckoo, which lays its eggs in other birds’ nests, and for centuries it was an insult for husbands who were being cheated on. The crucial difference from modern cuckolding comes down to a single point: today’s cuckold isn’t being cheated on. He knows about it, he wants it, and ideally he set it in motion himself. It’s exactly this consent that turns a humiliation into a pleasure.
Every cuckold feels something different
Every cuckold experiences different feelings. One lives out his voyeuristic tendencies, while another enjoys being humiliated. He is exposed by his wife’s sexual acts. Still other men get turned on by the pain and the jealousy when their wife enjoys herself with other men.
Then there are guys who simply find it beautiful to witness their wife’s satisfaction when she gives herself completely to another man. And many experience a mix of everything: pride that other men desire their wife, a sting of jealousy that heightens the arousal even more, and deep tenderness when she comes back to him afterwards.
Cuckolding is often close to the world of BDSM, and many cuckolds have a submissive streak. But not all of them. There are men who have no interest whatsoever in submission and simply like to watch. There are couples who see the whole thing more as “hotwifing”: the man is proud and an equal partner, sometimes even the one pulling the strings, and the woman enjoys her freedom. In between, there is every conceivable shade. Don’t let anyone tell you what a “real” cuckold is supposed to be like.
In pronounced cases, the cuckold’s behavior goes beyond sexuality, and the man is more like a servant. Even so, cuckold and hotwife share a relationship whose bond is stronger than the one between the woman and her lover. This may be the most important sentence in this chapter: the bull is the guest, the cuckold is home.
For the women, it often creates a feeling of power; they dominate the man. In extreme cases, the couple no longer has sex within the relationship. The woman has her lovers, and the man satisfies his desire through voyeurism. That, however, is the exception. Most couples we know continue to have sex with each other, and many even report that their sex together has become more passionate through cuckolding.
If the roles are reversed and the woman is turned on by her husband having other sexual partners in front of her, she calls herself a cuckquean. This book is written for men who want their wife to be a hotwife. You’ll find a short note on the reverse case at the end of this chapter.
What cuckolding is not
So that we mean the same thing from the start, here are three distinctions:
- Cuckolding is not cheating. Everything happens with the knowledge and consent of all three people involved. As soon as anything happens in secret, it’s no longer cuckolding but betrayal, no matter in which direction.
- Cuckolding is not swinging. In swinging, both partners swap, and both have sex with others. In cuckolding, only she has other partners; he stays faithful and watches or knows about it. Of course, there are couples who mix both.
- Cuckolding is not an open relationship in the usual sense. In an open relationship, each partner has their adventures more or less on their own. In cuckolding, the man is emotionally, and often physically, right in the middle of it. His wife’s adventures are part of your shared sexuality.
Maybe it’s the other way around for you: she wants to watch you with another woman, or you’re both toying with the idea. The principles of this book apply just the same, only with the roles reversed. Whoever has the desire needs patience with the one hearing it for the first time. No pressure, no guilt trips, small steps, clear rules, a safeword, safer sex and a careful aftermath.
Two points deserve special attention. First: the third woman is also a person with her own desires and boundaries, not a prop for your fantasy. She has to know exactly what she’s getting into, and she has the same rights as a bull. Second: if you’re the one who hesitates first, take your hesitation seriously. A yes you give only so as not to disappoint her holds up just as poorly as the other way around. More on this in Chapter 5.
The three levels: C1 to C3
When the cuckold is dominated by his hotwife, it can take various forms. In the scene, the fetish is often divided into three levels: C1 to C3.
C1, C2 and C3 are terms from the cuckold community, not from science. There is no study that has defined or measured these levels, and professionals use them neither as a diagnosis nor as a classification. They are a practical language that couples and bulls use to communicate in forums and on platforms. That’s exactly how we use them here: as a rough map, not a yardstick.
Level C1
In these cuckolds, the fetish isn’t very strongly developed. The cuckold has a say in choosing the bull or bulls. His submissive tendency is also usually less pronounced than at Levels C2 and C3. If both enjoy it, the hotwife can still tie him up during play, call him names, or “punish” him with a paddle, whip and flogger. But none of that is necessary for C1.
As a voyeur, the C1 cuckold wants to be there when the bull fucks his “mare.” He likes to take photos or videos, of course only if everyone agrees, and masturbates while watching. Sometimes he also takes an active role and enjoys a blowjob while she’s being taken. Or he strokes the bull’s cock hard so that the bull can fuck her thoroughly.
As a licking slave, he cleans his wife’s pussy with his tongue after sex with her lover. Or he gets to look at the used condom to see how much the bull came. A cuckold often enters the fetish at Level C1. For many, the level increases over time.
Level C2
Here we’re talking about the typical cuckold. He has no say in the choice of bull. It also happens that the cuckold stays home, knowing that his wife is visiting her bull and having hot adventures with him. Afterwards she tells him everything, or she keeps him dangling.
The hotwife also decides when the cuckold himself is allowed sexual release. He can be put on sexual denial, too. A chastity cage might be used for this, for example. Or he may be required to ask the bull whether he’s allowed to fuck his own partner.
When we talk about “sexual denial” here, it’s a consensual game that the cuckold himself wants and that can be ended at any time. That’s something completely different from withholding sex from a partner in order to get them to do something they don’t want. The former is erotic, the latter is pressure. More on this later.
Level C3
At the most extreme level, the cuckold fetish extends into everyday life. It’s no longer purely about sexuality. The cuckold submits completely to his partner. With a C3 cuckold, it’s possible that he and his girlfriend never have sex at all. She lets loose only with her lovers, while the cuckold lives chastely.
Some C3 couples even dream of a child being fathered by the bull and raised by the cuckold and hotwife as their shared child. This happens very rarely in reality, and it’s not a fantasy you simply act out. A child has rights of their own, including the right to know who their biological father is. On top of that come questions of paternity and child support, and an emotional weight for everyone involved that lasts a lifetime. Anyone seriously considering this needs thorough legal advice beforehand, and ideally psychological support as well.
Every couple is different
Of course, everyone lives out their fetish differently. No two couples are the same. That’s why the transitions are sometimes fluid. BDSM elements don’t necessarily have to be part of the cuckolding fetish, and not every C3 cuckold lives chastely.
Still, the scene’s classification gives a rough picture of how varied cuckolding can be. If you’re a C3 cuckold and your partner has no experience with the fetish at all, it makes sense to start at level one and build up slowly.
And one more thing: the level you picture in your fantasy isn’t necessarily the level that feels good in reality. Many men who saw themselves as C3 for years realize during their first real experience that C1 is completely enough for them. Others discover that they want more than they thought. Both are fine. Your level isn’t a label for life, but a snapshot.
Here is how it continues
In the full book we guide you step by step on 166 pages, from understanding yourself to your first shared experience.
- Understanding yourself: what really drives you
- Before the conversation, and when you should hold off (for now)
- Taking her worries seriously, and what to do if she says no
- Word for word: sample conversations and five ways to start
- Seven psychological tools
- Trying things out without committing
- Rules, safeword, safety and the aftermath
- What’s in it for her, and what makes a good bull
- Appendix: checklists, conversation starters and templates
Free for both of you: the anonymous couples test Our Common Ground.