How to Find a Bull: A Safe, Discreet Guide for Couples

For many couples, there comes a moment when “What if …?” turns into “How would we actually do this?” You have talked, shared your fantasies, set your limits, and now the question is on the table: How do you find a bull who is a good fit, who is respectful, and with whom you both feel safe?

This is exactly where most mistakes happen. Not because couples are reckless, but because they are nervous, get impatient, or get swept along by the first person who shows interest. This guide on how to find a bull helps you and your partner approach the search calmly, discreetly and safely, with clear criteria, good questions and a healthy instinct for warning signs.

Before you search: Are you really ready?

Looking for a bull is not a starting point, it is a step along the way. Before you create profiles or send messages, a few things should be settled:

• You both want it. Not “she goes along with it because he wants it so badly,” but a real yes of her own. Without that, any search is premature.
• You have discussed rules and limits. What is allowed and what isn’t? Who is present? What happens if someone says stop? Write these down together before you go any further.
• You have a safeword. It sounds basic, but it is essential, even during the getting-to-know-you phase.
• Your relationship is stable. A bull is not a band-aid for problems. If things are rocky right now, a third person usually amplifies whatever is already shaky.

If you are unsure where you stand, take the free Couples Check together. It shows you whether you are on the same page, or whether there is still more to talk about.

Who searches, and who decides?

A question many couples underestimate: who actually leads the search? In many setups it makes sense for the woman to have the final say. After all, she is the one getting physically close to this person. He can make suggestions, read along and share his opinion, but if she doesn’t have a good feeling about someone, that is a no. No discussion.

At the same time, your gut feeling as her partner counts too. If someone treats you disrespectfully or mocks you without that being part of your agreement, that also rules him out. A good bull respects both of you.

Where to find a bull

Specialized platforms

There are dating and community sites aimed specifically at couples, swingers and people in open relationships. The advantage: everyone knows what it’s about. Nobody is surprised, and expectations are clearer from the start. The downside: these sites also have fake profiles, people who just collect photos, and men who treat “bull” mainly as an ego label.

Swinger and couples clubs

Clubs and couples events have one big advantage: you see people right away, you can judge how you come across to each other, and there are usually clear house rules. Many couples first visit a club just to look, without anything having to happen. That takes an enormous amount of pressure off.

Your social circle: better not

A coworker, an ex, your best friend? The temptation is there because you already know him. But if something goes wrong, you don’t just lose an adventure, you might lose a friendship, peace at work or your privacy. In the beginning, someone outside your everyday life is almost always the better choice.

Discretion: How to protect your privacy

Your reputation, your jobs, your family: none of that should depend on how tight-lipped a stranger is. A few ground rules:

• A separate email address just for the search, without your real name.
• No faces in public profile pictures. Photos showing your face, if at all, only after meeting in person and building mutual trust.
• No recognizable backgrounds: your living room, your workplace, license plates, distinctive tattoos.
• Remove metadata: many phone photos store the location where they were taken. Check this before sending.
• Share your phone number late, or use a messenger that doesn’t require your main number.
• No details about where you live or work until you really know who you are dealing with.

This isn’t distrust of any particular person, it is self-protection. A serious bull understands that immediately, and behaves the same way himself.

How to recognize a good bull

“Good” here doesn’t mean especially attractive or especially confident. It means reliable, respectful and communicative. Watch for these signals:

Positive signs

• He asks about your rules instead of brushing past them.
• He accepts a no or a “not yet” without pressure or sulking.
• He brings up safer sex and testing on his own.
• He suggests a first meeting in a neutral place, with no expectations.
• He treats the partner not as an extra, but as part of the agreement.
• He is discreet himself and doesn’t tell stories about other couples with details that could identify them.

Warning signs (red flags)

• He pushes for a quick meeting “tonight” or immediately asks for intimate photos.
• He makes fun of your rules (“You don’t need that, I know what women want”).
• He gets irritated by questions about testing or condoms.
• He tries to contact the woman behind her partner’s back, even though you agreed otherwise.
• His story keeps changing: age, job and location don’t add up.
• He asks for money, gift cards or “expense contributions.”

One clear warning sign is enough. You don’t owe anyone a second chance just because he looks good or writes well.

Getting to know him: Step by step

1. Messaging

Take your time. A few days or weeks of messages reveal a lot about someone: does he stay friendly when you reply more slowly? Does he actually read what you write? Many couples write together, or at least read along together, which creates transparency. It also helps to talk openly as a couple about what she wants from a bull, in her own words.

2. A video or phone call

A short video call is the easiest way to check he is real. You see whether the person matches the photos and get a sense of his voice, humor and manners.

3. Meeting on neutral ground

The first in-person meeting should take place somewhere public: a bar, a café, a restaurant. With the clear agreement that nothing happens that evening except talking. It sounds unromantic, but it is worth its weight in gold: nobody is under pressure, and you can calmly find out whether the chemistry is there. You can read how to plan a meeting like this in our guide to the first meeting.

4. Debriefing, just the two of you

After the meeting, you talk, without him. How did each of you feel? Were there moments that felt off? Important: if one of you hesitates, that is a reason to wait. One partner’s enthusiasm does not replace the other’s yes.

Health: Not a taboo topic

Talking about sexual health is part of treating each other with respect. Ask openly about recent test results for sexually transmitted infections, and agree on how you want to protect yourselves. For most couples, condoms are a given at the start. Anyone who rolls his eyes at that has already ruled himself out.

Contraception is also something you should sort out together beforehand, not in the heat of the moment.

A regular bull or changing partners?

Some couples want a regular partner they know well and trust. Others prefer changing encounters so that no emotional bond forms. Both have pros and cons:

• A regular bull: more trust, well-practiced agreements, less effort searching, but also the possibility that feelings develop.
• Changing partners: more variety, a clearer separation between sex and relationship, but a new getting-to-know-you process every time and more effort to stay safe.

There is no right or wrong here. What matters is that you agree, and that you are allowed to revisit the decision later.

When you can’t find anyone

Some couples search for months and find no one they both feel good about. That is frustrating, but it’s not a sign you are doing something wrong. Quite the opposite: it shows you take your criteria seriously. Better to stay in fantasy a while longer than to have an experience with the wrong person that you regret later. Many couples say the search itself, reading profiles together and talking about them, was an exciting time of its own.

Prepared for the conversation

The best search starts long before the first profile: with an honest conversation between the two of you. If you are just starting out and don’t know how to even bring up the subject, “The Swartz Method” by Judith Swartz can help. The e-book guides you step by step from the first conversation to shared agreements. To find out what you both actually want before a meeting, you can also take the free Our Common Ground test: you each answer separately, and you only see what you both want.

Frequently asked questions

How long should you message before meeting?

There is no fixed rule. Many couples feel ready for a first, no-obligation meeting after one to three weeks of contact and a video call. What matters is that you both feel safe, not a specific amount of time.

Should the partner be there when you first meet?

For most couples this makes sense at the start, because it creates transparency and you can both form your own impression. Some women prefer to meet alone first. In that case, agree clearly beforehand where she will be and how she will check in along the way.

What if the bull stops replying after the meeting?

It happens, and it is usually no big deal. Don’t take it personally, and above all don’t draw conclusions about your relationship. Someone who disappears like that wouldn’t have been a reliable partner anyway.

Can you turn down a bull even if he did nothing wrong?

Yes, at any time. Lack of chemistry is a completely legitimate reason. A short, friendly “We’ve decided differently, thanks for the nice evening” is enough.